‘Mortal Kombat II’ review: Sorry sequel is a migraine of non-stop fights and idiot characters

No phrase terrifies me more than “for the fans,” because in the movies that tends to mean “awful and incomprehensible.”

And so it does for “Mortal Kombat II,” an onscreen bucket of slop that people will give a pass to because losers cheer whenever a character, such as they are, is impaled or sliced in half.

The first film that karate-kicked off director Simon McQuoid’s reboot series back in 2021 got flack from those basement-dwelling diehards for having scenes with actual talking and a somewhat grounded protagonist who wasn’t from the original video game. God forbid.

But I found that one much more watchable and engaging than terrible “II” because there was at least some attempt at a plot and a fun, adventurous spirit. Training up Cole Young (Lewis Tan) and Kano (Josh Lawson) had an underdog “Rocky” vibe, and there was a shimmery magic to Raiden’s temple. 

Now it’s just repetitive kills from bottom-drawer cartoons. 

Obviously gnarly deaths are the main event here. It’s called “Mortal Kombat” not “Mundane Chitchat.” But “II” is, pardon the expression, overkill; an endless, mindnumbing, ultimately boring string of ugly fights against lava-and-gravel green-screen backdrops between cardboard “champions” whose names are frankly inconsequential.    

Yet for journalism’s sake I shall list some anyway. The underwhelming new main man is Johnny Cage (Karl Urban), a fact that I’m sure will delight those who know who Johnny Cage is. Apparently he is a washed-up action movie star with Liberace hair and a Wolverine voice. He’s summoned to partake in the Mortal Kombat tournament — “Galaxy Quest” style — during the reign of the evil Shao Kahn (Martyn Ford), which is a peculiar name for a baddie with a working-class British accent.

Some other notable Earthrealmers: Jessica McNamee is a vacant shell as Sonya Blade, who keeps getting knocked out during confrontations and waking up in a damsel funk. Australian Josh Lawson returns as Crocodile Dundee Kano, who tiresomely fills silences with witless, filthy jokes. Ludi Lin has always felt most at home as the powerful Liu Kang, but the role is aimless this time. And Mehcad Brooks’ Jax has robot arms.

They all have powers — or arcanas, to use some of the movie’s phonebook of jargon — but five years on, it’s hard for we normals to remember what those were. In short: fire, lightning, bracelets.

Helping the team is Kitana (Adeline Rudolph), a princess who became the property of Shao Kahn after he violently killed her father.

“Kitana, you’re my daughter now,” says Shao like a kid just pulled a string attached to his back.

Rudolph’s warrior who wields spiky handheld fans is the only partially human thread here. Fans, brace yourself, Kitana has these things called “emotions.”

About thirty minutes in, things become fuzzy. There is definitely an neon-green amulet that Shao, who is part of the Outworld, desires that possibly grants immortality. We can’t have that.

The Earthrealmers keep winding up in battles with nondescript opponents, the stakes of which range from negligible to unknown. 

And finally there’s a tournament. Oh goody, more fights. 

Even the gravitas of Hiroyuki Sanada as Scorpion, who appears late in an unattractive “Van Helsing”-like world called the Netherrealm, doesn’t elevate “II” from being a trudge.

All of this banality is put to music by Benjamin Wallfisch, who has composed an earsplitting score that’s the aural equivalent of an iron rod hitting your head over and over.  

Look, there is nothing wrong with some ass kicking. And some of these clashes are exciting, particularly those involving Kitana and her accessories. But couldn’t blood and gore come with a hot side of story? Early on Johnny Cage actually blames the downward slide of his film  career on the awesome, artful, occasionally deep Keanu Reeves hitman series “John Wick.” 

His reference is an apt one. Because for two hours I couldn’t stop thinking, “If only I was at ‘John Wick’!”