Awful Ralph Macchio, Jackie Chan sequel KO’d my will to live

“Karate Kid: Legends” continues a grand old tradition. And I don’t mean that of one generation handing down ancient martial arts skills to the next.

No, “Legends” is the latest in a long line of terrible “Karate Kid” movies. A passing of the torch, such as it is, to the next inferior ripoff.

None of the past five films can touch the 1984 original starring Ralph Macchio as Daniel and Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi — the perfect high-school summer flick set to the soothing sounds of Bananarama. 

All of them since, save for the feel-good TV show “Cobra Kai,” have been: Wax on, turn off.

That’s especially true of the embarrassing “Legends,” which tries and fails to futz with the established formula.

The first of many, many questionable choices: This time, the title teen begins as a formidable fighter. 

Guess we can all go home then! 

Li Fong (Ben Wang) has trained in Kung Fu for years with Mr. Han (Jackie Chan, back from the Jaden Smith one) in Beijing. But because of a past trauma, his mom demands that Li give up his passion. So she moves the family to New York City, a calm place that’s completely free of violence.

When they arrive in a neighborhood along the L train that looks conspicuously like Montreal, director Jonathan Entwistle and screenwriter Rob Lieber treat a metropolis of 8 million like it’s Main Street, USA.

Actors speak dialogue that was written in Crayola, and the events that unfold are unbearably hokey and fake.

All the school kids, including throwaway villain Connor (a poor man’s Johnny), absurdly still hang out at the local dojo. 

Within days of getting his passport stamped, Li is accosted by his new bullies on the subway, a transit system ridden by 3.6 million people a day.

He wanders into a retro pizzeria, straight outta Peoria, that’s owned by former boxer Victor (Joshua Jackson) and his daughter Mia (Sadie Stanley) — flat, silly characters broadly performed by the actors like they’re mugging for the opening credits of “Full House.”

This restaurant, surely to save on prop costs, seemingly just serves pepperoni. 

Smitten with Li, Mia whisks him to cool New York youth’s hottest spots: Times Square and the San Genaro Festival.  

Victor needs to pay back his debt to one of New York’s many MMA street fighter gangs, so Li offers to teach him Kung Fu. That’s another flip of the script that flops. The montage of swatting at pizza paddles and punching olive oil cans is dumb and free of “Rocky”-type chills. 

Against strict mom’s wishes, Li eventually enters a karate tournament called the 5 Boroughs to help earn Victor his cash. Since Li is already brilliant at Kung Fu, it only takes a week for Mr. Han and Daniel (Macchio, suffering from fatigue) to get him ready. Easy peasy. “Legends” is tense as plain Jello.

Wang, for what it’s worth, is a charismatic and likable lead, who doesn’t go overboard like all the ham sandwiches around him. He’s not hilarious like Macchio was back in the day, but his smile is as powerful as his kicks. 

The 25-year-old newcomer is also actually proficient in martial arts, which lends reality to the fights. But the quick-cut way Entwistle depicts them doesn’t take full advantage of Wang’s abilities. They’re not human enough; too “Mortal Kombat.”

Who, exactly, is this lazy, trotted-out exercise for? Macchio’s dazed return would suggest it’s nostalgia bait for older “Karate Kid” fans, but “Cobra Kai” already did that far better for six seasons. 

And it’s hard to imagine the “Euphoria” generation going gaga for a hackneyed teen movie that’s, in fact, not nearly as edgy as the 1984 film was. Here there are less nunchucks, and more “aww shucks.”

The “Legends” are let downs. All the film’s got going for it is Wang.

To almost quote Mr. Miyagi, there’s no such thing as a bad student, only a bad movie.