The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (Feb. 13-19)

WOMEN

“stfu before I open a nature valley bar on ur bed”

The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, noti.group Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or fewer.

Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

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Wasn’t planning on spending my hottest years living like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chcolate Factory but here we are

— Emma Ketchum (@emmaketchup7) February 17, 2021

Netflix be like “we know exactly what movie you talkin bout but we ain’t got it lol”

— The Emperor (@GiftedAsia) February 18, 2021

stfu before I open a nature valley bar on ur bed

— e ☻ (@eemannnnn__) February 17, 2021

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) February 14, 2021

i thought this year would be different but no… he sent me some other hoes v day gift. idk who mia mor is but i hope he’s happy, worst valentine’s day ever. pic.twitter.com/dCox0gQjYx

— jules (@cowboij) February 14, 2021

good time to play the game Did They Not Post or Did They Break Up?

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 15, 2021

babe what’s wrong? you’ve hardly embodied my idealized version of you today

— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 16, 2021

my power came back on while i was sleep and my room was bright red bc of my LED lights, thought i woke up in hell bitch

— $нαwty.♕ (@shawty2trilll) February 17, 2021

if you are one of 101 dalmatians personally i think you should unionize

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) February 16, 2021

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

— sara david (@SaraQDavid) February 17, 2021

great news uglies, all LA sixes and under are now eligible for the vaccine

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) February 15, 2021

I want the gritty backstory of Gus Gus. pic.twitter.com/eJ4PZ1PvTJ

— Heart Brecher (@heart_brecher) February 17, 2021

I’m sorry, but if you’ve never dropped your kids off in Cancun for a play date during a pandemic and a humanitarian crisis in your home state that’s probably because you’re just a liberal Hollywood elitist with no values.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) February 18, 2021

i used to check my phone like twice during a movie and now i check the movie like twice during my phone

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) February 13, 2021

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

— goddesz 🦋 (@deszj) February 15, 2021

Wait Albert Einstein was real? I thought he was a theoretical physicist

— Freyja Katra, Girl IRL Cat URL (@FreyjaErlings) February 14, 2021

Forgive me, I’m a Jew. Is Lent the one where a rabbit lays eggs in your yard or the one where the guy with the white beard breaks into your houses?

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 16, 2021

oh the gap on my resume? i can totally explain. i was hanging out

— Liv 😛 (@as_a_vegetarian) February 14, 2021

wake up in pyjamas → shower

↑ ↓

change into new pyjamas

— chief (@mvrsssss) February 15, 2021

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

— rax ‘martinellis apple juice enthusiast’ king (@RaxKingIsDead) February 13, 2021